Like a little fun in your business day?
In the belief that the greatest wisdom comes wrapped in a little humor & delight, we offer to the hard working community BartsBooks Business Quips. These weekly witticisms poke a little wry and revealing fun at everything from cherished misconceptions to bluderfully bizarre marketing trends.
Our Business Quipsmeister Bart pronounces such gems as:
“Marketing is the art of pinning pears to an apple tree and selling them as exotic.” Then he follows it up with a wry and revealing Afterthought which affords the reader/listener a little takeaway tool to ponder. Sound like fun? For a free subscription email firstname.lastname@example.org.
For those who believe that the greatest wisdom flies in most agreeably on the wings of laughter, we weekly offer the utensil of a scriptural reading from 101 Best Business Quips and 102 Best Business Quips. A few of our latest favorites include:
Genderless & Humorless
She asked me, “What are your pronouns?” So I replied, “Well my Pro-nouns are ‘Hunk’ and ‘Best Beloved’ and it would tickle me if you could use them together when addressing me.”
Afterthought: Yes, there is a certain smug show of independence by insisting that you be addressed out-of-category. But if you truly want to define yourself in others’ eyes, try filling your days with acts of caring and courage – then the appellations you seek will surely come your way.
We have strategically empowered a value-driven, customer-centric communications innovation which embraces utmost diversity while retaining entrepreneurial agility….and it flies like a pig.
Afterthought: Popular buzzwords are the varnish applied by the unsure to sell nonsense to those terrified of original thought. Test: do any of the above words carry authority in your judgment?
Blinded by Greed
“I can never understand why my company’s hourly employees just don’t show the same enthusiasm for making more profits for my firm as I do. My shareholders can’t figure it out either.”
Afterthought: This puzzled business owner’s inability to walk in her workers’ shoes is the type of attitude that has made aggressive unions an absolute necessity.
Wisdom: Long & Short
Most management consultant’s advice may be boiled down to a single, wise sentence. But stretching it out into an entire book allows them to justify those more satisfying fees.
Afterthought: And unfortunately, my dear, driving home most consultants’ vital wisdom into most managers takes an entire book plus several seminars before the distilled essence is absorbed – and practiced.
Necessity’s Unfunded Father
If everybody were given the opportunity to pay taxes only on those governmental programs they deem absolutely necessary and beneficial, there would be no IRS to collect them.
Afterthought: Every major venture, be it nation, notion, or corporation, demands a long list of unpopular, but vital functions to keep all the parts moving profitably along. They are the parts that slogans and simple solutions ignore, and whose absence ensures collapse.
When established firms with upwards of $1 billion in revenue scam their customers by overbilling and double billing, they may politely dismiss it as “computer error.” Firms with fewer assets committing the same practices are justly accused of running “confidence games.”
Afterthought: Alas, companies of all sizes and reputations employ such dishonest revenue enhancers. Despite the popularity of such ethical lapses, the most satisfying buck to make remains an honest buck.
What do you call that guy in your firm who always had the best ideas, but was never listened to? Call him “that new competitor who is taking all our clients.”
Afterthought: Of course, if your firm were smart, you’d be calling that guy “our new board member.” Creativity brushed aside has a way of bubbling up to bite you from behind. If you, Ms. Executive, are not encouraging your team, you are fostering competing entrepreneurs.
Your Skewed View
Hindsight has always been 20/20 but it has recently become true that 2020 is now always hindsight.
Afterthought: Yes, we are entering a new era. But then again, we always are. May it dawn for you not by calendars or change in leaders, but from a new enthusiastic re-creation burgeoning from your own precious soul. P.S. This quip was supplied courtesy of the razor-witted Rick McKee whose wry & sly comments keep me ever gorged with insight.
Our company has just appointed a Director of Innovation. Thank goodness. Now the rest of us don’t have to worry about coming up with something new.
Afterthought: “Innovative Group” is the new jargon for the old “Creative Department.” Nothing new about it – same old dress with a new label. Of course, in my firm, we don’t have a thinking elite. We ask everybody to envision new improvements. And we listen to all of them.
…So after the first hour of our weekly departmental Zoom meeting, it slowly dawned on me that none of these people in the gallery were from my company.
Afterthought: If you spend enough time online, you begin to notice that the words are the same, but the faces have somehow changed. Oops. Time to hop outside, onto my bike and, feel life again.
Endlessly Breaking News
It has been documented that if every high school student in America was to spend as much time studying as his parents spent reading post-election commentary, every child could qualify for an ivy league scholarship.
Afterthought: We may invest our time any way we choose, either hammering out our own personal course, or reveling in the critiques of distant dramas. As said, ‘tis a free country.
Tricks, Treats & Masking Up
We have two political parties in America – one wears a mask covering only half the face.
Afterthought: We voters are a funny lot. We keep saying we want to know the real, true candidate – but then we go right along as we always have, voting for the image over the issues. Could it be that we are forcing our politicians to mask up?
Truth & Numbers
I firmly believe in two statistics: first, that 98 percent of all businesses in my profession pay their full of share of taxes; and second, that 87.4 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Afterthought: Isn’t it amazing how sticking a number in front of some wild assertion seems to make folks believe in its authority?
The Price of Nose Rings
Those holding an unassailable integrity seem to prove themselves particularly pesky to those who have already sold their own.
Afterthought: Whatever price you were paid to betray your own beliefs or neglect the common good, you were robbed. There is not enough wine in all of France to begin to barter for sacrificing your individual self.
Legislative Greed index
I’m not saying my Senator’s a corporate lapdog, but he measures the nation’s economic health solely by the PWCP – his Personal War Chest Payments index.
Afterthought: Yes, there are politicians who give a completely personal meaning to the term “Fortune 500.” But, cynics aside, they remain a minority – as do the corrupt businesses buying their votes.
The difference between incurable techies and ordinary computer users is that the former truly believes all devices are friendly and all errors are human.
Afterthought: When your Zoom suddenly shuts down your video, your butt makes a phone call to your ex-spouse, or your trusted and familiar photo export process suddenly decides to change the rules, can it be your fault? Or are the Tech Deities testing your true faith?
As the Ball Falls…
I have found, after many New Years, it is much better to make resolutions for others to keep – then blame them when they fail to live up to my expectations.
Afterthought: Perhaps the only resolution worth keeping this year is to diligently seek out more joy than we did last year. It is indeed out there – why not seek it out and revel in it?
Joy To Our World
This year we have witnessed so many of you laboring generously to lift up your fellows.
In this season of Hope, may that spirit which has guided us thus far continue to grow and may we all discover the joy which accompanies it.
Bart Jackson and the whole BartsBooks team
What’s on Your Wrist?
Amazon (‘natch) has just released its wearable device that continually tells you what emotions you are feeling. I look forward to the upgrade when the device will simply have the emotions for me.
Afterthought: I’m not sure that this is what Socrates meant when he quoth that the unexamined life is not worth living. Doubtless, this vital tech-piece will sell wildly to all those individuals who truly do not know their own minds.
The Brilliant Solution
If you come up with a brilliant solution, you are a respected consultant. If you can persuade others to happily implement it, you’re a good manager. And if you dare to risk every asset you’ve made thus far in trying it out – then you are CEO material.
Afterthought: To grow your firm, you need all three. Unless, of course, you are an entrepreneur – then all three positions fall on the shoulders of one overstressed individual.
Polishing Your Position
What this company needs is more executives who view their title as a responsibility, rather than an avenue to privilege.
Afterthought: Does being raised to Director of Marketing scare you a bit? It should. The pesky thing about titles is that, unless they’re entirely empty, they carry a daunting challenge. And a good leader knows how to confer the excitement of that challenge with the honor.
Knowledge is committing to memory the original ideas of many other people. Creativity is inventing something useful like the wheel, again. You need both.
Afterthought: Academics tend to take great pride in their massive bodies of accumulated lore, while business folks get promotions for disruptively exchanging this old system for this new one. Maybe these groups should talk.
Us vs. Stats
Recent politics, by so many unfortunate examples, have taught business one valuable lesson – ‘tis far more effective to make your appeal to real people, rather than statistical clusters.
Afterthought: No one likes to be treated as part of a category. So, I won’t buy your product because I am a Millennial any more than I’ll vote for you because I am a female war veteran. But if what you’ve got will solve my problem, son, I am all ears.
The Cause of Applause
Too many modern music composers strive to create pieces that are innovative and disruptive, rather than pleasing. Unfortunately, too many business product developers are following in those footsteps.
Afterthought: Satisfaction may come from expressing yourself in your creation. Pride may swell your chest when you come up with something original. But if you want folks to applaud & buy it, maybe you should try considering what appeals to them.
Distance + Rate = Savings
I was planning to buy the new, low-priced, all-electric car to save on fuel costs…until my Wife pointed out that all our food is delivered and my work commute consists of 37 steps from the bedroom. So I bought a new FitBit instead.
Afterthought: Miraculous technology may be worthy of admiration, but ‘tis not always worthy of investment, until you’ve carefully studied the marketplace.
An Army of One
Now Covid has banished us to locked-down laborers, I sit at home, no one calls, no one visits. My gods, I’ve never accomplished more in my life!
Afterthought. One of the most neglected skills in our educational system is the art of living productively, fulfillingly alone. But Wow. I am ever amazed at how swiftly and creatively folks are learning this self-reliant art. Go to it, tiger.
Bells & Whistles vs. Function
Marketers design products with ever more appealing claims. Engineers gleefully add ever more complex technology. So my new wheelbarrow counts my steps, includes a digital readout – but has no handles.
Afterthought: The customer thinks he wants a product that is simple, fast to set up, and functions dependably. But marketing knows better. He really wants confusing add-ons. After all, marketers have remote surveys with data piles to back up this complexity trend.
Covid’s Career Confinement
Jeff Bezos says any team you can’t feed with two pizzas is too big. But I just got hired by Google and my “team” has just been fed a Happy Meal and two bottles of wine – devoured all alone in my home office.
Afterthought: My congratulations to each of you who keeps the discipline to labor alone, unsupervised. Yes, today’s technology allows everybody to tap keyboards at home and still be pulling on the same rope in the same direction. But just watch me catch on fire when I can at last sit down, clasp hands, and scheme with my fellow dream chasers at the workplace.
Payroll Protection Unplanned
Our state has just formed a commission to make sense of the federal Payroll Protection Plan. US Congress folks are willing to fund it, on the condition that the commission is able to explain it to them.
Afterthought: The Payroll Protection Plan’s generosity comes with more strings than the New York Philharmonic’s violin section. One beauty salon owner we know gleans 52 cents free and clear from her PPP check – to cover the month of July.
Since the February 2020 Covid-19 lockdowns, US bicycle sales have soared 300 percent, time spent reading books has risen 34 percent, and consumption of spirits shot up 23 times the norm. I can only hope that Americans are not indulging in these new excesses simultaneously.
Afterthought: Apparently Zoom is not accounting for all our spare lockdown hours.
E.U. Marshals a Plan
The European Union has issued a ban on any US citizens setting foot on European sod. However, the same edict made it very clear that for US dollars, the gates stand wide open.
Afterthought: In bygone days, the only way for the Old World to get its hands on New World cash was to invite us to bring it over in person. But now, thanks to electronic investment, they can enjoy our funding without enduring uppity colonials face to face.
After two hours spent reading the manual, I tried to load the new program; failed miserably; and gave it to my son. Thirty minutes and nine tries later, he had it up and running. There’s a great lesson here, I just don’t know what it is.
Afterthought: One of youth’s great advantages is the marvelous inability to distinguish failure from experimentation. ‘Tis a sign of maturity to hang onto that gift.
The Anvil of Experience
Fail once, and folks will call you unlucky. Fail three more times and they will brand you a looser. Fail four more times, then succeed once, and they will call you an entrepreneur.
Afterthought: Before Henry Ford’s wildly profitable Model T automobile, came his poorly received models A through S. Hang in there, tiger.
The recruiter told me my new firm treated all employees like family. After three months of coworker infighting, listening to my boss’ grievances, and being blamed for others’ mistakes, I fear I must agree.
Afterthought: All business is personal – that’s the good and bad news. At least, in the workplace, you can always maneuver yourself into an adoption by another clan.
As Others See Us
One little embarrassment keeps emerging in this Biz-by-Zoom season: I spend more time online seeing my image as others see me, and for that vision, I offer my humble apologies.
Afterthought: Based on my face, my fellow Zoom mates must be a forgiving bunch. However, they do keep noting that my office needs a good cleaning – could that be a hint or a metaphor?
Taking the Drive Shaft
That turn-around specialist we hired really knows her stuff. In one year we went from marginal profits into receivership, while she shifted herself from a Volkswagen into a Lamborghini.
Afterthought. It’s easy to inspire someone to work for her own self-interest. But to structure compensation that combines her benefits with your firm’s goals – that takes some careful planning.
Since our Creative Director quarantined himself in his office back in 2012 – it’s worked. Not one new profitable idea has infected any person in his department in all that time.
Afterthought. The best laid plans, like a fine symphony, develop in layers, with each person’s idea joining in and swelling to a masterful chorus. Unapproachable managers who cut themselves off from their fellows oft go astray.
The Debt Handler
After amassing oceans of debt and stiffing all his company’s contractors, my brother-in-law finally declared bankruptcy. He claims this will make a great resume punch when he runs for political office.
Afterthought: There really is no spin needed for the bright, dedicated, and honest public servant. Thank heavens we have so many of them.
MBA + Crystal Ball = ?
My broker has just put me onto a Market Analyst – you know, one of those Armani-clad, financial scholars who studies the past to predict the future with great authority.
Afterthought: The best two courses of study for the investor remain a) the company behind which you intend to place your life’s savings, and b) the track record of each “expert” selling advice. Hint: Conservative dress does not necessarily indicate cautious investment tactics.
My son can’t balance his checkbook or pay his credit card bills. But he sorts each of his purchases into categories and makes colorful pie charts on his iPhone. Isn’t there a career for him somewhere?
Afterthought: Such marvelously theoretical skillsets call to mind the professions of financial planner or international economist.
In business, the latest rave is to communicate by story telling. In grammar school the latest rave is to teach children the art of launching businesses. So Dad & Daughter may now share homework.
Afterthought: “And that, my best beloveds, is how the elephant got his trunk and was able to sell its contents at a 300 percent markup.” (with apologies to Rudyard Kipling.)
You’re Aging When…
In youth, your finances cannot keep up with your enthusiasms; then in age your joints cannot keep up with your enthusiasms.
Afterthought: And you know you’ve reached middle age when you deem every enthusiasm of the young as inappropriate.
Education by Degrees
Alexander the Great conquered half the world and died at age 33. Imagine what he might have accomplished if he has spent those years obtaining a Ph.D. and an MBA.
Afterthought: I’m not sure when formal education’s “preparation for life” must make way for actually living life. Perhaps it’s different for each individual.
Whatsamatta With Kids?
Today’s children are no more obedient to the behavior schemes we lay out for them than they were in the ancient days of Socrates. It must be the kids’ fault.
Afterthought: Children want to play enjoyable games, wander, and learn only things that interest them…you know, all those things we’re told we can do in retirement.
At Age 10, I bought my first share of stock. It was my ticket to witness how the power of emotion drives the fiction of finance.
Afterthought: The only real fools in the market are those who insist that investing is a logical science whose secrets willingly unravel if you just crunch enough numbers and data. Blithely they ignore greed, excitement, fear, and all humanity, at their own fiscal peril.
The Payback Legacy
If you really want to punish your heirs with climatic irresponsibility, try making just the minimum payment on all your credit card statements.
Afterthought: Long after you have shuffled off this mortal coil, unpaid credit card debt, with all its usurious interest rates, can become the gift that keeps on giving to your children and theirs. Kind of makes you want to shoulder responsibility for both our atmospheric and financial environments, doesn’t it?
Today’s media offers us a menu of three fearful terrors: those you can buy your way out of; those you can vote your way out of; and those that may be safely avoided by clicking the “off” button.
Afterthought: Once you get past the product ads encouraging you to purchase serenity, and the mud-slinging campaign ads that persuade us to choose the evil of two lessers, it’s amazing how few of the remaining horror tales delivered for our pleasure are worth the fear they seek to drum up.
Women + Men = Equality?
My wife finally explained feminist equality to me: All men are equally oppressive and stupid; and all women are equally superior and supportive.
Afterthought: Of course, this thought drips from the pen of a white, happily married male, so I assume I’ve probably got it wrong. Guess my sole advantage is that I can take jokes without taking offense.
Dream De’ja Vu
Pilot, firefighter, musician, ballplayer, world explorer… Funny how all those childhood careers we dreamed of before getting “sensible” seem to return as we face retirement.
Afterthought: Life, my friend, is very democratic – we each only get one shot at it. Maybe this is the day to dust off your dreams.
Phony Phish Story___
After two years as targets of Nigerian “bank” phishing scams, our company just today received its first Chinese ransomware threat. Finally, we’re playing in the big leagues.
Afterthought: Granted, a person/firm may be measured by one’s enemies, but cyber attacks are no laughing matter. Best tip heard to date: ‘tis great to set up prevention and reporting protocols, but what response plans have you laid in place for when the bandits actually breach the gates?
Real vs. Virtual Cheer
Every time my “Buddhify” meditation app buzzes on my phone, I plunge it into a pile of crisp broccoli and call a friend to go out for a beer. This app really works – I feel more in touch & alive already.
Afterthought: Yes, there actually are apps that instruct you how to find yourself by staring into a screen. But those precious times spent in the company of good friends proffer a sense of serenity and well being that all technology is powerless to bestow. Cheers.
Life is a Resume Punch
I asked my parents for a puppy for Christmas. Dad gave a conditional yes – as soon as Mom can determine which breed will look best on my college application.
Afterthought: Probably the breed of dog doesn’t matter. Most dogs respond more lovingly to a short leash and a tight regimen than our children seem to – for some strange reason.
Super Sales Bowl LIV
Super Bowl: a contest, employing the world’s most superb athletes as a backdrop, in which corporations compete to release each viewer’s inner consumer.
Afterthought: As a follow up, for those who really enjoy athletics, look for the astounding contortions these companies will go through in a few months to avoid paying the tax bill on the resulting profits.
One Master – One Slave
Every phone should own a human. They are excellent beasts of mobility, plus they can be trained to keep you charged, maintained, and broaden your horizons with an endless array of apps.
Afterthought: As phones grow in size, doesn’t it appear that the people addictively clinging to them seem to grow a little smaller – and less interesting?
Sure as dath and tax evasion, you will die with your “To Do” list unfinished.
Afterthought: If you are working like hell and you look at your “To Do” list and find you are falling further behind each day – You have only one choice – Tear up that damn To Do list. (And while you’re at it: hoist a brandy, kiss your lover, and conspire a new life beside a roaring fire.)
Teetering on the Top
The gentleman on top, who disdains and belittles those laboring under him to create his wealth, is like the arborist who takes a saw to his own ladder.
Afterthought: My congratulations on your rise to the top, my friend. Just remember that fickle Fate played a greater role than you probably realize in lifting you temporarily up. And appreciation to those folks who sustain your lofty position is the wisest attitude.
After 300 episodes of The Art of the CEO radio show, I still don’t who is smarter: those business masters providing the wise counsel – or the listeners sharp enough to seize and act upon it.
Afterthought: All I really know is that every week for the last six years it has been my privilege to chat with an array of exquisitely talented individuals. And it has been my joy to share their insights with you – who have taken your precious time to listen. My many thanks.
Data vs. Truth
The surest way to steer clear of the truth is to seek it with a survey. Do you a) Strongly agree; b) Don’t care; c) Strongly disagree?
Afterthought: Force-fitting folks’ opinions on complex issues with pre-crafted questions and a limited number of multiple-guess replies has become a favored form of ammunition for bolstering decisions executives have already decided in their own minds.
A Thanksgiving Warning
Turkeys in the oven cost about $1.29 a pound. But turkeys in the C-suite can cost a quarter of your entire year’s revenue.
Afterthought: ‘Tis always better to eat turkeys than promote them. (Or, of course, you can pardon them.)
Polishing Your Star
The trouble with self-promotion is that it only works when someone else does it for you.
Afterthought: No sound grates harsher than that of someone reciting the patter of his own little feats. The far better bet is to offer your efforts in a way that benefits another and let the surprised recipient o your gift be inspired to give you credit.
Dysfunctional Family Business
She was the sort of entrepreneur who on her deathbed would sell her daughter the family jewelry.
Afterthought: And her husband probably proposed to her by selling her a share in their engagement ring. Alas, greed is ever the enemy of romance.
Our Board’s annual hindsight review comes down suspiciously like thunder critiquing a lightning strike.
Afterthought: Advice from those on the sidelines always holds the greatest value when it is suggested as a warning to the fellow at the forge before he has begun to raise his hammer and create.
America boasts more consultants per acre than any other nation. It is easier, after all, to point the way than make the journey.
Afterthought: Rather than a sign of laziness, America’s numerous consultants indicate a culture filled to the brim with innovative ideas – that, like fine wines, happen to travel well.
To become a company’s CEO, you must be popular. But to become that CEO’s administrative assistant, now that takes hard-earned credentials.
Afterthought: The great difference between a corporate Chief Executive Officer and almost any other job in the firm is that no one is quite sure of the skills required, nor the exact actions we want the CEO to take. All we’re concerned with is the results – by whatever magic our fearless leader chooses.
A Matter of Choice
Most young people spend less care on choosing their initial career than on the clothes they will wear on a hopefully romantic evening. Good to see they have their priorities straight.
Afterthought: In our hearts, all of us know that whatever way you earn your daily bread can seem like a joyful slice of heaven if you have the right mate at your side rooting for you.
The Profit Igniter
The marvelous thing about profit is that it forces those who seek it to treat more carefully those who make it for them.
Afterthought: And if you really seek profit eagerly enough, you will eventually come to that too-rare bit of uncommon sense that your profit seems to grow in direct ratio to how personably you engage and reward those laboring to create it.
In the old days, companies pitched their products using endorsed, insincere superstars. Now they employ data-driven talking machines. Both annoy the consumer, but corporate marketers seem to trust the machines more.
Afterthought: Too many marketers never seem to get it. Show me a high-value, thoughtfully made product of which you are personally and justifiably proud – and I’ll open my wallet. The rest is striptease.
The Art of Retail
Fortunes are not made by selling it cheaper than the competition – but by discovering some way to buy it cheaper than the competition, and charging what the market will bear.
Afterthought: Sam Walton’s first Bentonville store sported toiletries at half the prices of any retailer in Arkansas. Sam achieved this by a) after months of searching, discovering an unknown low-cost manufacturer, and b) making a six-hour round trip to the factory to pick up the toiletries three nights a week.
More Talk Than Action
The Open Office allows workers to communicate, mutually engage, develop team spirit – in fact do anything except perform productive hard work – to do that, they must go home.
Afterthought: ‘Tis a marvelous goal to have workers labor and brainstorm together. Just remember that the creative mind flows at its freest and most productive when it is offered a non-distractive atmosphere.
Growing to Death
Growing your firm bigger takes sweat. Growing richer takes brains. Alas, performing the former does not guarantee the later.
Afterthought: Profit is the goal – growth is merely one possible avenue. The number of businesses that have expanded themselves into bankruptcy is legion.
The Art of Aiming Low
Technology is the process by which humankind’s ultimate quest is continually lowered from the pursuit of wisdom, to the pursuit of data.
Afterthought: The nice thing about basing one’s decisions on data (the numerical results of others’ efforts) is that it forms such a lovely scapegoat and avoids the onerous chore of original thought.
The Price of Being “Liked”
With today’s social media, you may now buy “likes” with dollars. Unfortunately, the reverse is does not seem to prove true.
Afterthought: Social media provides an excellent opportunity for breeding awareness of you and your business among total strangers.
And while that makes a nice first step – there is a whole journey you must undertake to transform awareness into sales.
Overflowing a Board Seat
He knows nothing specifically and has an opinion on everything generally – that clearly points him to a seat on the board of directors.
Afterthought: Wisdom comes from amassing a field full of specific knowledge, then climbing on a 300-foot ladder to gain a generalized overview of this reality. Of such abilities are great CEOs made.
The Improbable Dream
Fortunes are made by investors who doubt the enterprise’s probability, but revel in the dream of its possibility.
Afterthought: Without a doubt, the best ROI your invested dollars can earn is a bit of excitement in your life. Bucks alone are boring.
Value Among Thieves
Instead of jailing the guy who hacked into our system, our CEO has decided to bring him on as consultant. After all, he’s the only one who can remember all the company passwords.
Afterthought: I have so many files that are secure from myself and almost no one else that I’ve started backing up al my files on paper – in a big box with filing system that I understand, but would boggle any hacker. Seems to work.
Know Thyself – Sort of
ID badges symbolize your organization’s disbelief that you are who you say you are. They are especially prevalent in government offices.
Afterthought: You know you have arrived, when the mention of your name is automatically followed by your latest achievement, (John, the guy who saved our…”), rather than the category on your identification badge.
There is no greater indicator of falsehood than the sentence beginning with, “Everyone in this age group (or gender or economic level) wants…..”
Afterthought: Stat-happy marketing wizards are fond of lumping buyers into age categories (Gen Z – Millenials – Boomers) and then, armed with the assumption that every individual is a cookie-cutter image of the group, they survey people they never meet and inflict their findings on the product design crew – and still no sales!
Our company is at that awkward stage: strong enough in reputation to get good growth funding, but not quite strong enough in sales to pay it back.
Afterthought: Being big and growing bigger: ah, ‘tis a heady dream. But the encouraging belief of others in your venture does not replace the need for numbers-crunching diligence.
Buy Stupid – Sell Low
When the market dips, fortunes are made by waiting for fools to panic and accommodating their fear.
Afterthought: Why is it that investors who sit idly on their portfolios all year suddenly, when prices plummet, are smitten with the urge to sell off their life savings to ensure the lowest possible return?
Keeping Ideas at Bay
Our marketing firm spends one small fortune on a security team to protect our offices from uninvited strangers; and a second fortune on reaching out to unseen strangers begging their opinion.
Afterthought: Currently our society’s “common wisdom” seems intent on scaring us and making us fearful of engaging all unknown people. Does this mean you have to be unprofitably fearful?
Professor vs. CEO
Experts at acquiring knowledge are called professors. Experts at acquiring companies are called CEOs. Each views the other with suspicion and a soupcon of disdain.
Afterthought: Those who build walls between knowledge and implementation will limp along on one leg in their search for success.
You cannot save the world with your business – but oh my good lord – you certainly can have a lot of fun by trying.
Afterthought: Of course, you are in business to make money. At least you’d better be. Yet nothing adds spice to ones labors as witnessing a shower of benefits that you have engineered.
To Be or To Do?
Edward burns with a powerful ambition to be recognized as the top executive in our firm. It’s a shame he doesn’t have equal aspirations to put forth the accompanying performance.
Afterthought: The only two places reputation precedes work is in the dictionary and in one’s dreams.
Three daggers will kill your negotiations: a little fear, a lot of anger, or the assumption that we are all good fellows after the same thing.
Afterthought: The reason negotiating demands your fullest attention is that it is the process by which you are seizing what you truly want for yourself….and that, my friend, is always vital.
Our Just Rewards
This company was not built by our founding CEO. It was built by the creative sweat lavished by each one of us in this firm. And we keep at it because he never lets us forget it.
Afterthought: Nothing beats a slender, steady stream of honest appreciation. Now that, my friend, is leadership.
Buy Stupid – Sell Low
When the market dips, fortunes are made by waiting for fools to panic and accommodating their fear.
Afterthought: Why is it that investors who sit idly on their portfolios all year suddenly, when prices plummet, are smitten with the urge to sell off their life savings to ensure the lowest possible return?
Birds of a Feather
Networking is a convivial flocking of dark-suited individuals each convinced that the others are destined to lead him to money.
Afterthought: Sometimes, the net works and hope is fulfilled…provided you have carefully vetted the group beforehand, and checked your desperation at the door before entering.
The Cozy Coal Mines
Our workers will gladly risk their lives for time-and-a-half hazard pay, but ask them to retrain and change their routine? Heck, They’ll go on strike first.
Afterthought: For us humans, there’s no greater enticement than the feel of the familiar – even if that familiar feel itches like Hades itself. “By cracky, you can’t lure me from this coal mine until….”
Business leadership consists of finding a task that will make you a profit, and convincing another person to do it eagerly and well.
Afterthought: That’s the unvarnished truth and every employee understands it all too well. Offer them fine rhetoric, fear, fancy titles or large carrots dangled just out of reach and they’ll respond with apathetic, grudging performance. Ah, but give them a share of that profit….and stand back.
Those Vital Adornments
In the old days, we’d say clothes made the man. Now we say mastery of our devices makes the person. Ah, If it were only that simple.
Afterthought: We are forever enticed by the accoutrements that accompany those who’ve sweated their way into success. But perhaps ‘tis better to mine the assets within, rather than emulate the adornments without.
Think for Thyself, John
The valued employee is the one who performs capably every task you asked for. But the one you promote to partner is that guy who keeps constantly surprising you.
Afterthought: Dependability has its place, and will earn nice, predictable raises at regular intervals. But the only way to soar into meteoric growth is on the wings of those with foresight and near-impossible visions.
Diversity by the Numbers
Diversity, in today’s bizspeak, means hiring women to higher positions, white guys almost never, and more visible minorities to make staff photos and HR stats more balanced.
Afterthought: True and beneficial diversity is the search for the broadest array of top talent to insure the broadest possible array of workable solutions. Quotas are meaningless.
Laws of Wrath
Accountants are the Moses of the indecipherable tax tablets, who make plain the stern laws handed down from above.
Afterthought: It’s not that I so much mind paying for schools, roads, defending my environment from polluters, and my shores from bipedal invaders; but it does seem the final insult when the tax laws are so Byzantine that I must hire an interpreter.
Economics vs. Reality
Economic Indicators are like political promises: they provide great fodder for the pundits pontificating them, but they are nothing to bet the ranch or base your decisions on.
Afterthought: If you have just discovered a cure for the common computer virus and the world is beating a path to your door, do you really think that the Feds declaring a .2% rise in interest rates is going to stop your new venture dead in its tracks?
Marketers & Cyberthieves
Marketers and cyberthieves both secretly gather your personal information and employ it to withdraw money from your account. The former usually leaves a product behind.
Afterthought: Courtesy of the internet, a skilled hacker/data specialist within 10 minutes can discover more about you than your dearest friend will ever know. You cannot prevent their info gathering, but you can lock up your assets from their schemes and seductions.
Leadership for its Own Sake?
Our CEO ranks at the absolute top of the leadership scale. In fact, he can get us to do anything, except turn a profit.
Afterthought: We stand lips deep in leadership seminars. But if you haven’t a firm hand on a tiller and set your true course on a practical point, it doesn’t matter how hard you can get them to row.
Business as Zip-usual
The pace of our communication and our machines grows ever faster, but the pace of business remains constant: we need it yesterday.
Afterthought: Business is most joyful and exciting when things are urgent, but not frantic. Not a bad attitude for leaders to exhibit.
Turning a Deaf Ear
“Does our COO value our opinion? Well, it is rumored he went deaf four years ago and just realized it last month.”
Afterthought: If you are clever enough to seize a C-suite chair, you are probably smart enough to want every scrap of profitable counsel available. Don’t you think your staff has that counsel? Or are you letting your exalted rank stop up your ears?
If You Must Fall…
If you must fall in love with some aspect of your business – let it be your product – rather than your profits.
Afterthought: Business profits are mere scorecards that breed more servitude than adoration. Actually the ideal business love target remains, as always, the client.
Honesty in advertising involves merely saying out loud what your customer already knows to be true.
Afterthought: Overblown ad claims soon prove to be as fleeting as romance in a brothel. They quickly crumble in the face of reality, bringing down your precious reputation and brand with them.
Escape to Fantasyland
American children have Disneyland. Our corporate scoundrels have Dubai. The rest of us must make do with reality.
Afterthought: Since the earliest days of business, pirates have always sought those fantasy hideaways with laws flexible enough to protect them from justice. But take heart. No island hideaway can match the rewards of honest compensation for honest enterprise.
A Gentleman Without Peer
Our CEO wanted to start a peer group, but he couldn’t find anyone he believed was his equal.
Afterthought: Each of us inflates our self-estimation with perhaps a bit of hot air. ‘Tis a vanity a lot less destructive than viewing yourself as worthless.
Businesses’ Blind Eye
The one, apparently seldom-discovered truth about leadership is that there is no exact number of steps required to achieve it.
Afterthought: Businesses’ love affair with science and quantifying has mushroomed countless Leadership-by-the-numbers seminars. Ah, but the wise ones know that see beyond the recipes and realize that this human attribute also entails a hefty dose of individual, human artistry.
Fantasy Biz Fiction
Probably the surest recipe for unhappiness is to begin comparing your progress to that of your coworkers and entrepreneurs written up in glossy business journals.
Afterthought: Horse races are won not by keep your eyes on the competition beside you, but by looking deep inside and discovering that extra, hidden power.
The Wantonly Wise
The employer who lavishes every comfort and advantage on his employees is really wise, or really greedy, or both.
Afterthought: It is the rare fool who buys a cheap, second rate chip for his firm’s computers, or expects his machinery to run with without proper oiling. Yet when it comes to spending a bit more to enhance the employee environs, such cost-cutting fools seem to abound by the thousands.
How the Money Goes
Our CEO sees no relation between the money we spend and the money we have. Our CFO sees nothing else. Our C-suite needs a marriage counselor.
Afterthought: Thrift is one of the many “old fashioned” virtues that has been steam-rollered under the crushing call to innovation. May well scrutinize
Live and Learn
Parents urge their offspring into better colleges in hopes that they may land a job sufficiently high-salaried to pay back all those college loans.
Afterthought: In truth, the college experience is designed to make you a richer person – not a richer paycheck. Perhaps ‘tis time to stop making life a resume punch, and allow yourself and child to joyfully live and learn.
The Price of a Tale
An entrepreneur knows she has arrived when she can sell her success story for more than her business.
Afterthought: It seems mandated that every business person who hits it big must follow up with a book and countless media appearances giving glossy version of how they made it – and how you can also. Just remember to view these renderings for what they are. Grab a few useful tactics, and nix the glamour.
A Web of Betters
Networking events are the only type of party on the planet where each guest comes hoping he is the least important person in attendance.
Afterthought: You will profit yourself much more if, as you enter any gathering, you leave your pre-conceptions about rank and comparison at the door.
In the interest of team unity, our CEO has mandated thrice-weekly, afterhours team-building exercises. It seems to be working. Now we all loathe him together.
Afterthought: What really joins people together is mutually contributing to a worthwhile venture. If your product is admirable and the compensations high, everyone naturally enjoys pulling mightily on the same rope. If not, what are you in business for anyway?
The Whole Ocean is Not A Tempest
It was not the state of the ocean that made Columbus succeed, but his planning, gumption, and the seaworthiness of his boat.
Afterthought: The whole ocean is not a tempest. Forget national layoff figures. ‘Tis time to summon your abilities and set sail thoughtfully for that calm profitable niche.
Fell Outta My Seat…
Oh, that bruise? I got it falling out of my seat when our board chairman actually came into our department to hear our thoughts on our new project.
Afterthought: ‘Tis all too easy for active board members to view their company only through the distant lens of reports and statistics. The more frequently you meet staff members in person and solicit their ideas, the more valuable will be your governance. And as for you, Ms./Mr. Employee – have you requested to attend a board meeting lately?
The Cost of Control
Anxiety is the price paid by managers who seek to achieve control rather than trust.
Afterthought: ‘Tis amazing the aura of serenity that surrounds even a frantically busy office when trusting coworkers labor in concert.
The Better Mousetrap
Build a better mousetrap and the world will NOT beat a path to your door, until you tell the world where you live and that you have mousetraps for sale.
Afterthought: It is an aged and terrible myth-step that has lured many an entrepreneur to her ruin: “The key to my success is to devote all my time to making my product even more excellent.” Maybe ‘tis time to cease improving your product and begin improving your business.
If you are smarter than God and work like the devil – or think you’re close, please enter.
– sign on a wise HR chief’s door
Afterthought: Others need not apply. Sometimes, in our hunt to grow the firm, all the nuances, cultural fits, and resume punches need to be pushed aside and just set our sights on bagging the top talent to our team.
The Frantic Button
As a manager, being loud and frantic is guaranteed to seize every staff member’s attention. I do not say it makes you worth listening to.
Afterthought: In truth, people listen to words to discern feelings. Watching the boss run amok merely spreads contagious fear. Staffers may need to hear that a particular situation is urgent that their supervisor has it under control with a solution on hand, and that their individual efforts are of utmost importance.
Take a Running Start and…
There is a vast chasm between carefully composing a business plan and mortgaging your home to get it launched. And it cannot be leaped by incremental steps.
Afterthought: If you are wondering whether to put your cash and security on the line to fulfill your dream, you might as well summon your courage and follow the old weight lifters’ maxim: Go heavy or go home.
Want a little more laughter in your worklife?
- Visit BartsBooks.com – click on the little blue mailbox and receive a new quip every week via e-mail.
- While you on the site, click on the Bookstore and pick up a copy of Bart’s 101 and 102 Best Business Quips
You Tickle Us
Heard a good quip you’d like to see published in your name? Send your witticism and afterthought to info@BartsBooks.com.